1. Does it matter? – Is the subject/issue worth having a argument about, is the issue mine or my partners, what is a small issue to one might be a big deal to another
2. Her territory – Do we sometimes invade our partners “territory”, if so how do we do it and do we understand why?
3. Look twice, Listen twice, talk once – Listen to what is being discussed and what is being said, think of what is being discussed and said, think of what you are going to respond instead of lashing out.
4. Have respect for myself – By making the right choice and taking the right action in a difficult or challenging situation, rewards us with the feeling and gain of self respect and self worth. (Attie’s example)
5. Male upbringing – It was mentioned that as men we are raised and “trained” to not show emotion and we learn to only react in anger, this is wrong.
6. Anger? Fear and/or hurt – Anger comes from one of two emotions or both, Fear or Hurt. When you are angry ask yourself “Why am I angry?” and “What is causing me to be angry, fear or hurt?” understanding why we get angry helps us not to get angry.
7. First control ourselves – When we act in anger and think we are in control we are actually “out of control”. We have the power to control our own actions and reactions.
8. Empower ourselves by keeping control of ourselves – When we learn to control ourselves we empower ourselves through gaining self respect and seeing the progress we make in our actions.
9. “They might push our buttons but it’s our choice what comes up on the screen” – When have the power to choose how we want to react even when we are challenged or taunted.
10. Identify root of argument – In an argument we can try to analyze where the argument stems from by breaking it down to its most basic, know yourself.
11. Maintain dignity and self worth – By keeping our composure in a challenging situation and acting in the right way we maintain the self respect that we have worked so hard for.
12. 1+1 = 3 – even though we are great men and our partners great women in our own right, when we practice and achieve success in our relationship the result is far greater.
13. Listening and questioning – By asking good and relative questions (why, how, what, when) and listening to what our partners say, we gain insight and understanding.
14. We walk on eggs because we are scared of what we might do – We should not be walking on eggs due to fear of how our partners will act or say, their actions are their own choices, but rather be aware and conscious of how we act and communicate.

"Well Done all - You have produced a usefull list." M. August 2008

A MURAL MEETING - DISCUSSION

Things that bug our partners

List the things that you think bug the wife or partner.
 
Purpose of list:

1.  To show partner that we know what issues are causing the friction;
2. "           "          "      we want to address and correct them;
3.  To have a constructive and respectful discussion;
4. To add to/ subtract from the list;
5. To decide on each other’s and joint actions to eliminate items on the list.

Some do's and don'ts:

1. Ask when partner would like to see list. A copy each.
2. At what time and place will be most convenient;
3. Allow enough time to discuss in relaxed manner;
4. Decide how to keep cool if 'your list is thrown back' at you.
5. Use 'I'm sorry you feel that way' if appropriate;
6. Above all, listen and listen properly;
7. Do not interrupt;
8. Ask questions - to get clarification, to understand better, to show genuine interest.
9. Agree a time and place for a 'progress-so-far' session.
10. Re-write a final agreed list and put yours in a place where you will see it every day, e.g. back of wardrobe door. 
11. Send her flowers - her favourite colour. (They've almost all got one .....)
12. Share results with colleagues at MURAL. (optional)
     
    R's contribution to this exercise was invaluable.
     
    Meeting ended 21.05 on 30/04/08

MURAL Meeting Discussion Topic (Continued)

Scott Meltsner, from the USA, came along, introduced by Liz Dooley of FAMSA.

He introduced the following subject to which we all contributed:

Qualities of a Good Relationship

1. Listening to each other
2. Be vigilant
3. Do not take for granted
4. Sense of humour
5. Trust and fidelity
6. Share goals
7. Share the kids and household tasks
8. Respect each other
9. Love each other
10. Accept each other
11. Relaxed atmosphere
12. Be interdependent
13. Give each other space
14. Support financially
15. “ emotionally
16. “ physically
17. No judging
18. Good sex – Consideration for each other – balance
19. Tell each other that you love each other
20. Don’t go to bed with a row going on
21. Understanding each other
22. Love unconditionally
23. Make sacrafices for each other
24. Compassion
25. Honesty
26. Admit when wrong
27. Forgiving
28. Commitment

18/07/07