MURAL - A help centre for domestic abusers

USEFUL TOOLS

The Time-Out

If you have been violent with your partner or are concerned that you may be, then both of you will benefit from the time-out technique.

The time-out is intended to remove you from a potentially explosive confrontation before you become violent. It is not a long-term solution. Instead the time-out is a stopgap measure devised to give you the time you need to control your behaviour

The time out is not a new idea. You may have tried it before. But you may NOT have used it effectively, and your partner may not have liked you walking out on her.

To use the time-out properly you need some preparation:

Request your partners cooperation
Identify your exit point

The exit point is the moment at which you can still get yourself to leave to avoid hurting the woman you love. Once your anger has boiled beyond your control, it will be much harder to stop yourself from becoming violent.

To identify your exit point you need an internal thermometer.

Your internal thermometer goes from o (freezing) to 100 (boiling). Most people call the range from 40 – 60 Irritation. At 60 you are probably angry. By the time you hit 80, your rage is hot enough for you to break things and hurt other people. At 100 an angry, violent man can kill someone.

Within the Irritation band apply the 2 meter rule (see explanation)

During the discussion a phrase like “I’m sorry you feel that way” can diffuse a potentially explosive situation (see explanation)

The Exit Point
Think about a time you abused your partner – A time when you lost control and did something that scared or hurt her. Maybe you yelled or threw something, or perhaps you actually became physically abusive. Recall how you felt at that time. Remember how angry you were. What were you thinking? How did your body feel?

Now think a little further back, and recall the moment when you could have chosen to leave before you became abusive. How angry were you then? What was your anger temperature at that moment? This is your Exit Point. Most people say that their Exit Point is between 50 and 70. Below 50 they can manage their feelings and above 70 it’s probably too late.

Using the Time-Out

The time-out process involves 6 steps. It is important to follow all the steps for the time-out to work. Use the word TEMPER to make the steps easier to remember.

T -	Take your temperature. Find out if you are near your exit point (temperature). If you are, proceed with the time-out.
E -	Explain to your partner that you need to take a Time-out. Let them know that you are concerned that if you stay any longer, you may not be able to manage your behaviour.
M -	Mention exactly how many minutes you’ll be gone. We suggest 30-60 minutes.
P -	Promise to return. Tell your partner that you know that the discussion is important and that you want to try and resolve the issue.
E -	Exit. Leave the situation. It may help to take a walk or do some form of exercise. Do not go to a bar, casino, or any other place that interferes with your calming down and thinking clearly.
R -	Return at the designated time and continue the discussion. If the time-out hasn’t been long enough to let you calm down, then explain to your partner that you need more time. Follow the process from the second step.

It is absolutely essential to say how long you’ll be gone and promise to return. If these two steps are not adhered to your partner will feel that you are avoiding the discussion and they will feel disrespected.

Used in an accountable manner, the time-out gives you the time you need to control yourself and avoid violence.

Used irresponsible, the time out is a cheap trick that lets you evade responsibility and avoid unpleasant but necessary discussions with your partner.

Ask for Your Partners Help.

Pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed, and explain that you want to use the time-out as an avoidance tool.

Remember that without your partner’s agreement, using a time-out is an act of control

Let your partner know:

You have been abusive in the past, and that you are working to avoid hurting him/her physically or emotionally.
That you want to use the time-out because you don’t want to be abusive and violent.
That you will use the time-out only when you really need to.
You won’t use the time-out as a tactic of control or as a way of getting out of an argument or a difficult discussion.
In future you will need to leave to calm down, but promise to return and continue your discussion at a agreed-upon time.

If your emotional plane is spinning out of control it is only a matter of time before it crashes nose-first into the ground, so it makes sense to hit the eject button before that happens.

But you don’t want to rely on a parachute for the rest of your life. With time, and the support of those around you, you will learn to pilot your plane so that you never need the last resort of the eject button.

The time-out is a tool that you should always have with you, but it’s one you hope you’ll never have to use.

The 2 Meter Rule.

The distance helps with the following:

Removing the aggressor from the “Combat zone”.
Not allowing the abuser to invade the “Personal Space” of the other party.
Cool down the situation as the individuals are removed from each other and fighting over a distance is a lot more difficult.

“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”

During an argument or discussion this phrase can be used to calm your partner down or to get their temperature down to an acceptable level.vel.

By using this phrase sincerely and in the right context you achieve the following:

Acknowledge that you have heard what your partner is saying.
Show sympathy / empathy for your partner and their feelings.
You highlight that it is something that they feel and at the same time you do not admit to anything that they accuse you of.